What If They Weren't Footballers?

Haven't you ever wondered what these footballers would be, or what their careers would be if they weren't footballers?
No? What the hell is wrong with you?
Well, I, like any other sane person have wondered about trivial things like that, and me and my friend tried to come up with jobs that suit them well.
Here we go

Cristiano Ronaldo:

imagesource

A high class escort with Kris Jenner as his pimp manager ( Of course she takes 10% of his total earnings, but that's only fair right?)

Wayne Rooney:

imagesource

A rugby player, he's built like one. Or a butcher take your pick

Kaka:

imagesource

A young priest who is secretly gay

Carlos Tevez:

imagesource

I don't think he's cut out to be anything really; all I can see when I look at him is a cavemen holding a stick and getting excited about fire

Fernando Torres:

imagesource

A kindergarten teacher, so cute :D

Gerard Pique:

imagesource

The poster child for blood donation campaigns. Red cross, you know who to call for your next blood drive.

Sergio Ramos:

imagesource

A Car Jacker, it's as simple as that

Cesc Fabregas:

imagesource

With a name like that it's a no brainer that he'd be a porn star

Yoann Gourcuff:

imagesource

The face of maybelline mascara

John Terry:

imagesource

A struggling actor working at chip n dale to pay the bills

Well that's it for now. I have more footballers with alternative lives or careers or whatever, but i'm just gonna leave it for another day and another post

so for now

Cheers















Real Madrid Vs Barcelona

So tonight real madrid play against barcelona in the champions league semi-final, everyone is excited, it's gonna be an amazing game, I mean Messi, Ronaldo, the battle for football supremacy, bla bla bla and on and on......
well all that is fine and all but honestly i'm sick of both of them teams, I don't like real madrid for obvious reasons *Ronaldo*, and I'm still pissed at Barcelona for scoring last minute and eliminating us (chelsea) from the champions league back in 2009
and of course my twitter timeline is being filled by people trying to predict what's gonna happen tonight!
Well screw them, let me tell you exactly what's happening tonight.
First half is gonna proceed normally, it's gonna be exciting good football, but no goals.
Second half it's all gonna change!
First Messi is gonna score, so Ronaldo's gonna feel jealous and that'll motivate him to score, which in turn will have the same effect on Messi, and thus this cycle of Messi and Ronaldo getting jealous of each other and scoring begins (meanwhile the rest of the team is standing there watching), after a while they are distracted for like a minute when Pique starts to spontaneously bleed from his eyes, but Shakira comes and gives him a magical hug and all is well again, and the cycle is resumed.
After the score is 30-30, the referee and the rest of the players have enough, and they decide to settle this ongoing battle of who's the best footballer once and for all, and they find paul the octopus' half brother and ask him who's the best.
He picks Messi, which then causes Cristiano to implode from his anguish and disbelief that he is not in fact on top of the football world, and Messi's head gets disproportionally big for his body and it fall off and rolls away.
After seeing their team mates so tragically gone the rest of the players go into a frenzy and start blaming the other team, then they start a battle, they dig ditches in the field, and they use their bare hands, and feet as weapons, eventually they both eradicate each other!
Faced by this insanity and situation, Manchester United are declared winners because who are we kidding there's no way Schalke are gonna win in old trafford
And that's how it is
you don't even have to watch the game anymore
Cheers

Why people should go to Shakira's concert in Lebanon

Ok so Shakira has a concert in Lebanon on May the 26th, and when I heard about this I was very excited, and I couldn't wait to tell me friends and go buy the tickets and go to the concert. But to my dismay, to say that my friends (except for like 2) were less than enthusiastic would be an understatement. They were completely indifferent. This baffled me. 
If you're thinking how the hell is this relevent to football , you'll find out in a bit.
So if you think I'm excited to go see Shakira because I love Shakira, you're wrong. Not that I don't like her, she's cool and her music is nice sometimes.
But the real reason that I got that excited is because miss Shakira is dating Gerrard Pique, and I have a theory that envolves her bringing Pique (I am assuming of course that all games envolved in my theory will be postponned for convenience).

imagesource

But then I thought that Shakira won't have free time to spend with him since she'll be practicing, and poor Pique will feel lonley. As such I concluded that he would probably invite Fernando Torres to come along with him, to keep him company. (Don't ask me why he invited Torres)

imagesource



Then I thought that Pique would feel guilty for only inviting Fernando Torres to come with him and watch his girlfriend perform, so he ends up inviting the whole spanish team, as well as his non-spanish Barcelona teammates.

imagesource

imagesource

And that is why I am excited for Shakira's concert because in my own private world it isn't far fetched at all that more than 2 dozen footballers are accompanying her and Pique to Lebanon, and I ain't gonna miss the chance to get to see them

Cheers



Footballers' Tweets

The tweets this time are a courtesy of Michael Owen, who just recently joined the twitterverse

Apparantly Mr. Owen here was attempting his luck at comedy, my initial reaction was that he should stick to football, but he's injured and off the pitch most of the time that I can't even say that because at this rate I would say that Robin Van Persie's son Shaqueel Van Persie is getting more time on the field than our friend Owen here.

imagesource

Although his last tweet did manage to crack me up "I'm fit", haha yeah and I'm the Queen of England!
Cheers

I am Cristiano Ronaldo & I am Awesome

imagesource

Umm hey guys, obviously i'm not cristiano, although i might be just as awesome as he is, maybe even more, but don't tell him that he will throw a fucking tantrum and ill never hear the end of it.
I guess you're confused as to why I'm here, and i'm sure you're wondering about the whereabouts of Ronaldo. Don't worry i haven't killed him and stashed his body in my underground lair, I would never do that to him, he is me dear friend, and sometimes more than a friend! What I mean is he is like a brother to me. Anyways well i was having a rough day and Ronnie told me when he has a hard time or when something is bothering him, he comes here and he talks about the issue and that it makes him feel better, and he offered to let me take his spot.
So now to the problem. Let me tell you about what has made me so distraught. I lost my headband that has my inititials on it! I'm so grief stricken, how will i possibly play football with so much talent without it, i mean after all it my good luck charm, we won the world cup while i was wearing that headband, that's gotta mean something. And now it's gone forever, I don't think I can go on living without it, my life is so pointless, my soul isn't complete without it! Plus my mommy is going to kill me for losing it, oh god she's gonna yell at me so loudly that my eardrums are going to burst! Damn it!
And the worst part is I feel like I will forever feel sad and morose.
I mean Iker offered to kiss me, but even that didn't cheer me up, and it usually makes all my problems disappear.

imagesource

I'm going to go and continue wallowing elsewhere, and feeling sorry for myself. Tell Ronaldo that this didn't make me feel better :(

xoxo

The Ramos

5 Reasons why...

I guess it's safe to say that I pretty much despise Cristiano Ronaldo, but here are 5 reasons why I'm glad he exists:
5) Football would be so boring without his diving, whining and crying.

imagesource: 1,2,3

4)Forget about the guy from the hangover, Ronaldo is the sole benefitor of the man purse industry.

imagesoure:1,2,3



3) Prevents skin cancer, because once people see his "healthy" skin tone/color they try to avoid the sun at all costs

imagesource

2) Decreasing the rate of people who sleep around, because Ronnie here has probably created a strain of super mutant mixture of STDs, which is resistant and has no cure, and no one will ever find a cure for it, ever. Oh and if you're wondering what it does to you, well I don't know yet, but it's horrible, terrible, disgusting! So don't sleep around people, just say no!

1) And finally, I get to make fun of him, and it's really fun making fun of Ronaldo, and let's face it without him my blog wouldn't even exist.

So thank you Ronaldo for being alive, because I don't even know how I would possibly go through my day to day life without you there to entertain me.



Footballers' Tweets

So I was watching Special 1 TV the other, which is like the best online series about football, well no shit since it's hosted by none other than the special one himself, Jose Mourinho, along with the Wayne Rooney, and previously Sven. But recently Sven was sacked, and temporarily replaced by Fabio "Cabbage" Capello, and his segment on the show is called "Footballers' Tweets". But just like South Africa, this was also a complete fail, thanks to the Cabbage.
Here's a video of the episode in which the Cabbage first replaces Svenn

Well, I decided that I'm going to adopt this idea on my blog, but unlike Capello, I'm going to make it work.
It's simple I have to find cute, witty, sarcastic, or funny footballers' tweets and post them.
But sometimes footballers can be rather dull, so we just have to be patient and wait for the oppurtune moment to strike.
Yes I know that made no sense, but whatever.
So here are the tweets I chose for this week, they're not out of this world amazing, but they're good enough.
The tweets are courtesy of Jack Wilshere and Cesc Fabregas
Here we go:
cesc4official: @jack_wilshere loves his twitter more than his girlfriend
jack_wilshere: @cesc4official im trying to beat how many followers you have!!
cesc4official: @jack_wilshere dont be jelouse, u will get there one day son.

Well, that's it, hopefully by the time i find other tweets, Cesc would have improved his spelling, but I'm sure regardless of that we'll all still love him
Just kidding, only arsenal fans love him, and maybe Barcelona (but that's more of an unhealthy obssession than love)
That's it for now
Cheers