Sunday, May 29, 2011

Glory Glory Man United

So the champions league final was tonight in Wembley, and from the title of my post you would think that manchester united won. Well no, no they didn't.
They lost, in Wembley, they fucking lost!
That's a fucking disgrace.
Anyways I made some important discoveries during this game.
First of all I thought I was neutral at the beginning of the game, and all was well, that is of course until barcelona scored, when I suddenly realized that no I am not neutral, I want man utd to win, which as a chelsea fan I was horrified to discover!
But I decided that I hate Barcelona even more than I hate man utd!
I never thought the day would come where I would willingly choose Man United over another team, but here we are.
The second discovery was that Mourinho was right! There is a UEFA/FIFA/Barcelona/UNICEF conspiracy going on
Oh and since this was Van Der Sar's last game, it would've been cool if they won and he got to lift that trophy one last time
Oh well, at least Chelsea were kicked out of the competition early and I didn't have to worry about them all night :P
(I should probably congratulate Barcelona fans but I don't want to)

Friday, May 20, 2011

I Am Cristiano Ronaldo and I Am Awesome!

Oh hello there, how have you guys been?
I know, I know, I haven't been as interactive as I used to be, but ever since that epic game between Real Madrid and Barcelona (click here to see what I'm talking about ), when the fans decided that Messi was actually better than me, I've been really blue, and no that does not mean that there is a transfer to Chelsea in my near future. I started doubting myself, stop laughing, I actually did. And I thought well maybe if all those people said that I'm no good then maybe just maybe they're right and that I actually suck at football.
So as you see, I started coming to this little bench, it became like my sanctuary. I come out here to think, to meditate, to contemplate the reasons for my existence!
Seriously guys stop laughing, I'm being serious here!
I mean if I'm not the best footballer then what's my purpose in life?
I don't think i'm good at anything else, well I'm good at diving, but I don't think I can do that professionally!
Hmmm, what else, what else?
Oh wait, there's one other thing I'm good at!
Can you guess what that is?
No, it's not crying like a baby when we lose
No, it's not pouting and sulking when i'm put on the bench
ok that's it shut up!
I'm good with women ok, I can't believe you didn't guess that! You guys suck today
But how can I use that skill?
And I can't really go on screwing different chicks every night, you know now that I'm with Elene, Iris.... you know that model that's on the cover of the sports illustrated swimsuit edition.
I'm sooo horrible I can't even remember my own girlfriend's name.
No wonder I called my kid Cristiano Ronaldo Jr., that way I wouldn't forget his name.
I'm such a sorry excuse for a human being
And i'm blabbing aren't I, I don't even make sense
see I'm not even good at talking
all i'm good at is sitting here and staring off into space
So I'm gonna do that, and maybe have a talk with Kaka, I mean he has barely played all season, he's more of a loser than I am
Maybe that would cheer me up
Or maybe not
I'm out
xoxo Diver Boy

Wenger's equations

Ok so I've talked about this before (I think) but I'm gonna talk about it again. There's this show on youtube, it's called special 1 TV, and I absolutely love it! It's hosted by Mourinho (not the real one obviously, just a puppet of him, but it does sound quiet realistic) hence the name "special 1" TV.
And this is relevent why you ask?
Well it's not really relevent to anything, I just wanted to share one of my all time favourite episodes of the show.
Enjoy :)


I absolutely love this!

Wenger: The proof, the proof!
Man United divided by blackburn multiplied by blackpool over chelsea as a function of arsenal greater than fulham over everton and stoke minus FA corruption equals premier league! #Wenger's equation

Ha the equations of thermodynamics have nothing on this
As the boy Wayne would say: This is mint!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What If They Weren't Footballers?

Haven't you ever wondered what these footballers would be, or what their careers would be if they weren't footballers?
No? What the hell is wrong with you?
Well, I, like any other sane person have wondered about trivial things like that, and me and my friend tried to come up with jobs that suit them well.
Here we go

Cristiano Ronaldo:
A high class escort with Kris Jenner as his pimp manager ( Of course she takes 10% of his total earnings, but that's only fair right?)

Wayne Rooney:
A rugby player, he's built like one. Or a butcher take your pick

A young priest who is secretly gay

Carlos Tevez:

I don't think he's cut out to be anything really; all I can see when I look at him is a cavemen holding a stick and getting excited about fire

Fernando Torres:

A kindergarten teacher, so cute :D

Gerard Pique:
The poster child for blood donation campaigns. Red cross, you know who to call for your next blood drive.

Sergio Ramos:
A Car Jacker, it's as simple as that

Cesc Fabregas:
With a name like that it's a no brainer that he'd be a porn star

Yoann Gourcuff:
The face of maybelline mascara

John Terry:
A struggling actor working at chip n dale to pay the bills

Well that's it for now. I have more footballers with alternative lives or careers or whatever, but i'm just gonna leave it for another day and another post
so for now