Thursday, October 13, 2011

What if they weren't footballers? Part 2

Hey y'all so this is the continuation of the what if they weren't footballers post (obviously) that I did a few months ago, and it's a bit overdue so here goes

Mario Balotelli:
An evil psycho who tries to take over the world but instead ends up over an island full of bunnies (those poor bunnies )

Steven Gerrard:
A DJ who only plays Phill Collins songs

Lionel Messi:

A guy with a napoleon complex who thinks he's a superhero and tries to save the poor bunnies from Balotelli

David Luiz:
NO, he would not be sideshow Bob, and we would not try to kill Bart Simpson!
He would be a clown
yes a clown!
All the kids would love him

Bastian Schweinsteiger:

He used to be a model when he was a kid but as his physical appearance changed that career went down the drain so he settled for being a worker at the Hippodrom tent during the oktoberfest

Mesut Ozil:
A frog who didn't turn into a prince

Philip Lahm:
The little groom on top of a wedding cake :)

Well this is it for now, I know there are more footballers than the ones i mentioned so if i think of other people i'll just update this post

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Some funny shit

Lately I've been having writer's block or blogger's block or whatever you wanna call it, and basically I haven't been giving this blog a lot of attention
I still have no idea what to write about so i thought I'd just post some funny shit (or what I thought is funny, you -whoever you are- might not find it funny, although i'm sure if you're looking at this post while intoxicated you'll find it funny, cause drunk people find almost everything funny, anyways I'm digressing so back to the point)

Crouch: But Ronnie I don't want to touch you
Ronaldo: You have to! Come on remember like that time after that party, that felt good didnt it?
Crouch: I was drunk then -_-
Ronaldo: Either you do it or I'm telling Abby about that night
Crouch: Fucking bastard
Ronaldo: What was that?
Crouch: I said let's just get it over with
Ronaldo: Don't worry it will be over before you know it ;)
Crouch: :(((

Alright enough with this sillyness, what crouch and ronaldo do in the privacy of the stadium is non of our business!
Anyways here are some funny videos that you can watch if you're bored




Well this is it for now, hopefully my next post will consist of something that I actually put some effort into, instead of finding random pictures and videos

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Didier Drogba: A Class Act

Let's play a game of "can you spot the Drogba?"
Did you guys spot him? No i'm not talking about spotting him in his portrait, which happens to be the first image, where's the fun in that?
I'm talking about spotting him pulling a funny face behind Bosingwa!
Gotta love Drogba!
Ok so maybe not everyone is fond of Didier, partly because he is known for diving (which of course is a trait that most footballers are cursed with), but I find that there's a certain quality that is endearing about him.
And I rarely find things that are endearing, so that's saying something!
Anyways whether you like Drogs or hate him, he is a world class footballer and dread the day that he anounces his retirement or worse decides to leave chelsea for another team, for that will be the day when you will find me crawled up in my closet crying my eyes out  accepting his decision with calm tenacity like a mature adult.
Anyways I hope that now that the season has started again that i'll be updating this blog which has gone to the dogs sort of like Arsenal has
I hope I'm better at managing this blog than Arsene is at managing his team
so thats its for now

Thursday, July 21, 2011

5 reasons why I love David Luiz

5- He's born in april, so am I! Coincidence? I don't think so *does evil laugh* (not so sure what's evil about that but what the heck)
4-His full name is David Luiz Moreira Marinho. As you've noticed (or not depending on your mental capacity) I put emphasis on the Marinho part. Marinho is close to Mourinho ie: the special one, so this is a sign that Luiz is destined for greatness!
3- His hair! His beautiful fluffly curly bouncy hair!

2-His first goal for chelsea was against manchester united and it helped us achieve victory in that game.
1-And finally the number one reason why i love him is because of his funny and endearing personality

Well that's all folks, until next time.

Is it me...

Or does Carles Puyol look like the doppelganger of the hunchback of notredame?

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Glory Glory Man United

So the champions league final was tonight in Wembley, and from the title of my post you would think that manchester united won. Well no, no they didn't.
They lost, in Wembley, they fucking lost!
That's a fucking disgrace.
Anyways I made some important discoveries during this game.
First of all I thought I was neutral at the beginning of the game, and all was well, that is of course until barcelona scored, when I suddenly realized that no I am not neutral, I want man utd to win, which as a chelsea fan I was horrified to discover!
But I decided that I hate Barcelona even more than I hate man utd!
I never thought the day would come where I would willingly choose Man United over another team, but here we are.
The second discovery was that Mourinho was right! There is a UEFA/FIFA/Barcelona/UNICEF conspiracy going on
Oh and since this was Van Der Sar's last game, it would've been cool if they won and he got to lift that trophy one last time
Oh well, at least Chelsea were kicked out of the competition early and I didn't have to worry about them all night :P
(I should probably congratulate Barcelona fans but I don't want to)

Friday, May 20, 2011

I Am Cristiano Ronaldo and I Am Awesome!

Oh hello there, how have you guys been?
I know, I know, I haven't been as interactive as I used to be, but ever since that epic game between Real Madrid and Barcelona (click here to see what I'm talking about ), when the fans decided that Messi was actually better than me, I've been really blue, and no that does not mean that there is a transfer to Chelsea in my near future. I started doubting myself, stop laughing, I actually did. And I thought well maybe if all those people said that I'm no good then maybe just maybe they're right and that I actually suck at football.
So as you see, I started coming to this little bench, it became like my sanctuary. I come out here to think, to meditate, to contemplate the reasons for my existence!
Seriously guys stop laughing, I'm being serious here!
I mean if I'm not the best footballer then what's my purpose in life?
I don't think i'm good at anything else, well I'm good at diving, but I don't think I can do that professionally!
Hmmm, what else, what else?
Oh wait, there's one other thing I'm good at!
Can you guess what that is?
No, it's not crying like a baby when we lose
No, it's not pouting and sulking when i'm put on the bench
ok that's it shut up!
I'm good with women ok, I can't believe you didn't guess that! You guys suck today
But how can I use that skill?
And I can't really go on screwing different chicks every night, you know now that I'm with Elene, Iris.... you know that model that's on the cover of the sports illustrated swimsuit edition.
I'm sooo horrible I can't even remember my own girlfriend's name.
No wonder I called my kid Cristiano Ronaldo Jr., that way I wouldn't forget his name.
I'm such a sorry excuse for a human being
And i'm blabbing aren't I, I don't even make sense
see I'm not even good at talking
all i'm good at is sitting here and staring off into space
So I'm gonna do that, and maybe have a talk with Kaka, I mean he has barely played all season, he's more of a loser than I am
Maybe that would cheer me up
Or maybe not
I'm out
xoxo Diver Boy

Wenger's equations

Ok so I've talked about this before (I think) but I'm gonna talk about it again. There's this show on youtube, it's called special 1 TV, and I absolutely love it! It's hosted by Mourinho (not the real one obviously, just a puppet of him, but it does sound quiet realistic) hence the name "special 1" TV.
And this is relevent why you ask?
Well it's not really relevent to anything, I just wanted to share one of my all time favourite episodes of the show.
Enjoy :)


I absolutely love this!

Wenger: The proof, the proof!
Man United divided by blackburn multiplied by blackpool over chelsea as a function of arsenal greater than fulham over everton and stoke minus FA corruption equals premier league! #Wenger's equation

Ha the equations of thermodynamics have nothing on this
As the boy Wayne would say: This is mint!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What If They Weren't Footballers?

Haven't you ever wondered what these footballers would be, or what their careers would be if they weren't footballers?
No? What the hell is wrong with you?
Well, I, like any other sane person have wondered about trivial things like that, and me and my friend tried to come up with jobs that suit them well.
Here we go

Cristiano Ronaldo:
A high class escort with Kris Jenner as his pimp manager ( Of course she takes 10% of his total earnings, but that's only fair right?)

Wayne Rooney:
A rugby player, he's built like one. Or a butcher take your pick

A young priest who is secretly gay

Carlos Tevez:

I don't think he's cut out to be anything really; all I can see when I look at him is a cavemen holding a stick and getting excited about fire

Fernando Torres:

A kindergarten teacher, so cute :D

Gerard Pique:
The poster child for blood donation campaigns. Red cross, you know who to call for your next blood drive.

Sergio Ramos:
A Car Jacker, it's as simple as that

Cesc Fabregas:
With a name like that it's a no brainer that he'd be a porn star

Yoann Gourcuff:
The face of maybelline mascara

John Terry:
A struggling actor working at chip n dale to pay the bills

Well that's it for now. I have more footballers with alternative lives or careers or whatever, but i'm just gonna leave it for another day and another post
so for now

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Real Madrid Vs Barcelona

So tonight real madrid play against barcelona in the champions league semi-final, everyone is excited, it's gonna be an amazing game, I mean Messi, Ronaldo, the battle for football supremacy, bla bla bla and on and on......
well all that is fine and all but honestly i'm sick of both of them teams, I don't like real madrid for obvious reasons *Ronaldo*, and I'm still pissed at Barcelona for scoring last minute and eliminating us (chelsea) from the champions league back in 2009
and of course my twitter timeline is being filled by people trying to predict what's gonna happen tonight!
Well screw them, let me tell you exactly what's happening tonight.
First half is gonna proceed normally, it's gonna be exciting good football, but no goals.
Second half it's all gonna change!
First Messi is gonna score, so Ronaldo's gonna feel jealous and that'll motivate him to score, which in turn will have the same effect on Messi, and thus this cycle of Messi and Ronaldo getting jealous of each other and scoring begins (meanwhile the rest of the team is standing there watching), after a while they are distracted for like a minute when Pique starts to spontaneously bleed from his eyes, but Shakira comes and gives him a magical hug and all is well again, and the cycle is resumed.
After the score is 30-30, the referee and the rest of the players have enough, and they decide to settle this ongoing battle of who's the best footballer once and for all, and they find paul the octopus' half brother and ask him who's the best.
He picks Messi, which then causes Cristiano to implode from his anguish and disbelief that he is not in fact on top of the football world, and Messi's head gets disproportionally big for his body and it fall off and rolls away.
After seeing their team mates so tragically gone the rest of the players go into a frenzy and start blaming the other team, then they start a battle, they dig ditches in the field, and they use their bare hands, and feet as weapons, eventually they both eradicate each other!
Faced by this insanity and situation, Manchester United are declared winners because who are we kidding there's no way Schalke are gonna win in old trafford
And that's how it is
you don't even have to watch the game anymore

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Why people should go to Shakira's concert in Lebanon

Ok so Shakira has a concert in Lebanon on May the 26th, and when I heard about this I was very excited, and I couldn't wait to tell me friends and go buy the tickets and go to the concert. But to my dismay, to say that my friends (except for like 2) were less than enthusiastic would be an understatement. They were completely indifferent. This baffled me. 
If you're thinking how the hell is this relevent to football , you'll find out in a bit.
So if you think I'm excited to go see Shakira because I love Shakira, you're wrong. Not that I don't like her, she's cool and her music is nice sometimes.
But the real reason that I got that excited is because miss Shakira is dating Gerrard Pique, and I have a theory that envolves her bringing Pique (I am assuming of course that all games envolved in my theory will be postponned for convenience).

But then I thought that Shakira won't have free time to spend with him since she'll be practicing, and poor Pique will feel lonley. As such I concluded that he would probably invite Fernando Torres to come along with him, to keep him company. (Don't ask me why he invited Torres)

Then I thought that Pique would feel guilty for only inviting Fernando Torres to come with him and watch his girlfriend perform, so he ends up inviting the whole spanish team, as well as his non-spanish Barcelona teammates.

And that is why I am excited for Shakira's concert because in my own private world it isn't far fetched at all that more than 2 dozen footballers are accompanying her and Pique to Lebanon, and I ain't gonna miss the chance to get to see them

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Footballers' Tweets

The tweets this time are a courtesy of Michael Owen, who just recently joined the twitterverse
Apparantly Mr. Owen here was attempting his luck at comedy, my initial reaction was that he should stick to football, but he's injured and off the pitch most of the time that I can't even say that because at this rate I would say that Robin Van Persie's son Shaqueel Van Persie is getting more time on the field than our friend Owen here.

Although his last tweet did manage to crack me up "I'm fit", haha yeah and I'm the Queen of England!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I am Cristiano Ronaldo & I am Awesome

Umm hey guys, obviously i'm not cristiano, although i might be just as awesome as he is, maybe even more, but don't tell him that he will throw a fucking tantrum and ill never hear the end of it.
I guess you're confused as to why I'm here, and i'm sure you're wondering about the whereabouts of Ronaldo. Don't worry i haven't killed him and stashed his body in my underground lair, I would never do that to him, he is me dear friend, and sometimes more than a friend! What I mean is he is like a brother to me. Anyways well i was having a rough day and Ronnie told me when he has a hard time or when something is bothering him, he comes here and he talks about the issue and that it makes him feel better, and he offered to let me take his spot.
So now to the problem. Let me tell you about what has made me so distraught. I lost my headband that has my inititials on it! I'm so grief stricken, how will i possibly play football with so much talent without it, i mean after all it my good luck charm, we won the world cup while i was wearing that headband, that's gotta mean something. And now it's gone forever, I don't think I can go on living without it, my life is so pointless, my soul isn't complete without it! Plus my mommy is going to kill me for losing it, oh god she's gonna yell at me so loudly that my eardrums are going to burst! Damn it!
And the worst part is I feel like I will forever feel sad and morose.
I mean Iker offered to kiss me, but even that didn't cheer me up, and it usually makes all my problems disappear.

I'm going to go and continue wallowing elsewhere, and feeling sorry for myself. Tell Ronaldo that this didn't make me feel better :(
The Ramos

Thursday, March 17, 2011

5 Reasons why...

I guess it's safe to say that I pretty much despise Cristiano Ronaldo, but here are 5 reasons why I'm glad he exists:
5) Football would be so boring without his diving, whining and crying.

imagesource: 1,2,3

4)Forget about the guy from the hangover, Ronaldo is the sole benefitor of the man purse industry.

3) Prevents skin cancer, because once people see his "healthy" skin tone/color they try to avoid the sun at all costs

2) Decreasing the rate of people who sleep around, because Ronnie here has probably created a strain of super mutant mixture of STDs, which is resistant and has no cure, and no one will ever find a cure for it, ever. Oh and if you're wondering what it does to you, well I don't know yet, but it's horrible, terrible, disgusting! So don't sleep around people, just say no!
1) And finally, I get to make fun of him, and it's really fun making fun of Ronaldo, and let's face it without him my blog wouldn't even exist.

So thank you Ronaldo for being alive, because I don't even know how I would possibly go through my day to day life without you there to entertain me.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Footballers' Tweets

So I was watching Special 1 TV the other, which is like the best online series about football, well no shit since it's hosted by none other than the special one himself, Jose Mourinho, along with the Wayne Rooney, and previously Sven. But recently Sven was sacked, and temporarily replaced by Fabio "Cabbage" Capello, and his segment on the show is called "Footballers' Tweets". But just like South Africa, this was also a complete fail, thanks to the Cabbage.
Here's a video of the episode in which the Cabbage first replaces Svenn

Well, I decided that I'm going to adopt this idea on my blog, but unlike Capello, I'm going to make it work.
It's simple I have to find cute, witty, sarcastic, or funny footballers' tweets and post them.
But sometimes footballers can be rather dull, so we just have to be patient and wait for the oppurtune moment to strike.
Yes I know that made no sense, but whatever.
So here are the tweets I chose for this week, they're not out of this world amazing, but they're good enough.
The tweets are courtesy of Jack Wilshere and Cesc Fabregas
Here we go:
cesc4official: @jack_wilshere loves his twitter more than his girlfriend
jack_wilshere: @cesc4official im trying to beat how many followers you have!!
cesc4official: @jack_wilshere dont be jelouse, u will get there one day son.

Well, that's it, hopefully by the time i find other tweets, Cesc would have improved his spelling, but I'm sure regardless of that we'll all still love him
Just kidding, only arsenal fans love him, and maybe Barcelona (but that's more of an unhealthy obssession than love)
That's it for now

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Fernando Torres: Officially a blue

I've written a previous post about Nando, mentioning how I used to hate him, but since 2 of my best friends thouht he was incredibly cute and they completely adored him, it was hard for me to not do the same. So one day I was looking at videos on youtube and I came across a nike advert that Mr. Torres was in, it envolved a song made specially for him.
Here is the video for the Ad.

Soon the liverpool fan's started chanting the english version of the song at games to cheer Torres on, and it was quiet inspirational for them.
Here's another video of the fans chanting for Torres
Well as of yesterday this video was rendered completely irrelevent and pointless!
Why you ask? Well because Fernando Torres is no longer liverpool's number 9, and he's definitely not a red anymore!
Now he is opting a different color that according to my friend suits his skin tone and freckles much more than the red did!
As of yesterday Fernando Torres is officially a Blue!
Torres's transfer to chelsea was finalized yesterday, and I couldn't be happier.
Luis Suarez on the other hand joined liverpool
so while I was looking for the video today to post it on my blog, I read a comment posted by a liverpool fan, this is what it said:
His armband proved he was a red
Suarez Suarez
You'll never walk alone it said
Suarez Suarez
He Bought the band from a lad from Spain
Tall, Blonde hair, I've forgotten his name
Luis Suarez, Liverpool's number 9
Catchy no?
Well I understand that the liverpool fans feel like Torres has betrayed them, but frankly I don't give a damn!
So here's a little word for liverpool fans:
Dear Liverpool fans
Yes Fernando Torres left you to join Chelsea after saying multiple times in the past that he's very happy in liverpool and he's not going to leave, but you guys got Andi Caroll and Luis Suarez, so Shut the fuck up and stop whining
Sincerely, an ecstatic Chelsea fan.
And don't worry Nando I'm sure the chelsea fans will come up with a better song for you :D
So welcome aboard Fernando Torres

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I am Cristiano Ronaldo & I am Awesome

Hello there. It's been a while, and you're probably thinking that all my problems have been resolved and I
didn't have anything to complain about hence the absence.
 You're wrong my friends, I just thought that since it was christmas and all that I should focus my attention on doing some charity work, so I spent my energy trying to give fashion advice to my less fortunate fellow footballers. And I'm sure you're wondering why this is still going on long after the festivities have ended. Well my friends I realized that I like helping my teammates and other footballers fix their fashion faux pas, and I made a resolution to continue doing it, so you see I found a new source to channel my frustration into.
So why return now?
Something happened my friends. Something happened that made me say to hell with my resolution and return to complaining to you.
Have you guessed what I'm talking about by now?
No? Well I'll tell you.
Messi won the Ballon D'or! He stole what I truthfully deserved.
How could they do this to me?
Don't they know that I'm the best thing that has happened in the world of football, and that they should always show their respect by honouring me all the time?!!
But do they do that? Noooooo! Instead they give my award to that 13 year old midget, otherwise known as Messi, who probably doesn't even know how to tie his own shoelaces.
And I spent so much time getting ready for the stupid show, and I was so excited. Look at me I look fabulous in my tux, I'm perfect. And now look at Messi in his tweed jacket! What did he do, hire a bunch of as his stylist?
I can't even wrap my head around this, and being as big as it is, my head usually wraps around anything.
I'm off now, I'm going to go and drown my sorrows in delicious appletinies, and then fall into a deep slumber. Maybe when I wake up, I will realize that all of this was just a horrible nightmare!
Diver Boy

Footballers: the hottest men alive.

Okay so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, and maybe I'm a little bias, but come on footballers are on a whole new level of "hot".
Don't get me wrong, I don't watch football just for the sake of staring at these men running around for 90 minutes. I actually love football and watching football for the sake of enjoying the beautiful game. But being a girl, I just can't help but notice and admire some of these hot footballers.
So I decided to make a list of the footballers that I think are the most delectable ;), so here we go:
10- Thomas Muller

9- Bastian Schweinsteiger

8-Nemanja Vidic

7- Klaas-Jan Huntelaar

6- Iker Casillas

5- Niklas Bendtner

4- Joe Hart

3- Fernando Torres

2-Gerrard Pique

And the top position goes to...................
Just kidding :)
Don't worry I haven't completely lost my mind, yet.

And the hottest player in my book is:
1- Gareth Bales

Well that's it for now, maybe next time I'll do a list of the hottest WAGs of footballers, you know for the sake of the guys :)