Sunday, December 12, 2010

Ronaldo Sucks: Let's Rejoice!

Apparantly the most annoying player according to certain referees (such as Claus Bo Larsen) is non other than Cristiano Ronaldo.
And no I am not making this up because I hate Ronaldo.
It's actually true. Referees think he is annoying because he is a diver. I would say that there are a lot of other things about him that just invite you to "dislike" him, but that's just me, some people actually like him and look up to him, well good luck with that.
But at last, some people are coming to their senses and realizing what I realized ages ago: that Cristiano Ronaldo is the spawn of satan, he is the devil reincarnated.
However, what I don't understand is if referees know positively and absolutely that he dives all the time, then why the fuck do they relent and give him what he wants: free kicks and even penalties sometimes. Is he that great that they just can't help but give in to his every whim?
Anyways here are some images of Ronaldo doing what he does best, diving:

Friday, December 10, 2010

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Champions league results: the fucking disgrace edition

Yesterday there were the games of the 6th round of the group stages of the champions league. There were 8 matches in total (not counting the ones that took place on dec. 7th). I decided that I would watch a bit of every match, but instead I got caught up watching the chelsea game hoping that they would score any minute now) most of the time, and ended up flipping back to the other games when someone scored.
So why have I posted this under the title "the fucking disgrace edition"? Because the result of the chelsea game was a massive fucking disgrace! (well so was the result of the Ac milan vs. Ajax game but I didn't watch that game so I'm in no postion to pass judgement).
Now it may seem as if I'm overreacting because even though chelsea lost against marseille (1-0), they still went through to the knockout stages, so some people might say that their loss wasn't a big deal. Well it was a big deal. If I had access to the players I would be yelling at them until their heads explode or something just as gruesome. What a horrible game. Aside from a few good missed opportunities, they did absolutely nothing. They couldn't attack properly, they couldn't even get close enough to the freaking penalty square to attempt anything, and their defence was sketchy. The only good thing about the game was the fact that Josh McEachran was in the starting line up and he handled himself brilliantly. Everyone else, in my opinion, gave a very disappointing performance. Oh and Drogba dear, being emotionally unstable because you're playing against your former club is not an excuse.
In other news:
Bayern Munich won against Basel (3-0), with 2 goals scored by Franck Ribery and 1 by Anatoliy Tymoshchuk.
The Roma vs. CFR Cluj game ended in a draw (1-1). Marco Boriello scored for Roma in the first half, and Lacina Traore equalized later on.
Spartak Moskva won in their match against Zilina (2-1) leaving Zilina with no points whatsoever from the beginning of the competition. Ibson (who then got a red card and was sent off) and Alex scored for Spartak Moskva, while Tomas Majtan scored for Zilina.
Real Madrid sailed through with a 4-0 win over Auxerre. Karim Benzema scored his 1st hat trick in almost 3 years while the other goal was thanks to non other than Mr. Cristiano Ronaldo himself.
Arsenal also had a good game, and from the bits & pieces of it that I actually watched I came to the conclusion that it was an interesting game. The result was a 3-1 win for Arsenal. The goals for Arsenal were courtesy of Robin Van Persie, Theo Walcott & Samir Nasri respectively, while Cleo scored Partizan's only goal.
Shakhtar Donetsk won against Braga (2-0), Rat & Luiz Adrian scored the 2 goals for shakhtar.
And finally the other team that also suffered an unexpected loss was AC Milan, who lost against Ajax. The 2 goal scorers for Ajax were Toby Alderweireld and Demy de Zeeuw. Just for the record Toby Alderweireld's goal was amazing! I think it was the highlight of all 8 matches.
So in conclusion here are the teams that made it to the knockout stages:
Group A:-Tottenham (England)
              -Inter Milan (Italy)
Group B:-FC Schalke (Germany)
              -Lyon (France)
Group C:-Manchester United (England)
              -Valencia FC (Spain)
Group D:-Barcelona (Spain)
              -FC Kobenhavn (Denmark)
Group E:-Bayern Munich (Germany)
              -AS Roma (Italy)
Group F:-Chelsea (England)
              -Marseille (France)
Group G:-Real Madrid (Spain)
              -AC Milan (Italy)
Group H:-Shakhtar Donetsk (Ukraine)
              -Arsenal (England)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Happy Birthday John Terry!

Now John Terry might have a few flaws, but he is one of my favourite footballers of all time. I mean after all he is chelsea's captain fantastic.
And today is John Terry's birthday & he just turned 30 :D
So happy birthday to John Terry: Captain, Leader, & Legend

Playing away from home

There are certain facts in life that are simply irrefutable, for example the sky is blue, the sun is yellow, and footballers cheat on their girlfriends and wives. Obviously it's not only footballers who cheat, but this has been a rising trend lately in the football community.
Among the footballers who were caught in the act are 3 chelsea players, I am sad to say:
-Frank Lampard cheated on his pregnant fiancee Elen Rives while he was on vacation is Vegas
-Ashley Cole had multiple affairs after which Cheryl Tweedy (his now ex-wife) finally filed for divorce
-John Terry had an affair with his then teammate Wayne Bridge's girlfriend (at the time of the affair) and the mother of his child Vanessa Peroncell
Other players who were exposed more recently include:
-Peter Crouch who cheated on his pregnant fiancee Abigail Clancey with a prostitute
-Wayne Rooney who cheated on his wife Coleen Rooney while she was pregnant with their son Kai
 This situation just baffles me. Why do footballers (and other men) have to cheat? Why can't they be satisfied with what they're getting from their relationships? And it's not like they're deprived or anything!
Well naturally I tried to find reasons to understand why footballers think it's justifiable to act this way, and these are the only ones I could come up with:
-Men are sexual animals
-They're too weak to control their urges
-Their brains take orders from their dicks
-They have no heart
-They are complete and utter morons
-They were abducted by aliens who then replaced their brains with peanuts
Now everything would be better if these idiots could keep their junk in their pants. But since that seems to be almost impossible then I have a great solution:

*And to top it off they won't need to worry about their junk during the game, they could just play freely, specially when they form a wall during free kicks, they don't have to cover up. So you see it's a win win situation after all.
*this idea was pitched in by a friend :)

Monday, December 6, 2010

Football Bromance

I'm sure it's quite obvious that there's a lot of man love out there on the field. Bromances are very common in football.Just like in normal relationships there are of course different types of footballers who are involved in different types of bromances:

The Player who jumps from one bromance to another in a blink of an eye such as Cristiano Ronaldo. Some of his previous bromances were with:

-Wayne Rooney


-Sergio Ramos

There's the steady on going couple such as John Terry & Frank Lampard

And finally there are the one night stands, that just hook up for a day and move on, such as:                          

Iker Casillas & Cesc Fabregas                                                                                                                   

Paul Scholes & Gary Neville                                                                                                                        

Maradona & Carlos Tevez                                                                                                                          

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I am Cristiano Ronaldo & I am Awesome

Well hello there again. Last time I left you guys to go and screw that inferior creature that was appearing with me in the Ad. I'm sure you'll be glad to know that I didn't impregnate this one and thus I don't have to worry about where to stuff another baby. Although I do think that it was her fault that she wasn't impregnated because I have a very high sperm count and my little Ronaldos are very fast swimmers.
Anyways, let's move on to the problem at hand this week.
So I was lounging on the soft grass on the field when some of the guys came and told me that I should get up because we were in the middle of a match and apparantly I was disrupting the game. As if that's even possible! I never disrupt anything, on the contrary, I make everything more amazing by my mere presence. But I decided to be nice this time and not argue and I started getting ready to get up. I was stretching my leg, because I didn't want to pull a muscle or anything by standing up too quickly, and all of a sudden this idiot from the opposing team throws himself at my leg. Now I know that my legs are amazing and simply irresistable, but to launch himself on it like this in public is just unacceptable. I mean there's a time and place for everything right? In this situation it would be past midnight after chugging down a bottle of tequila and behind closed doors.
My God, the nerve of this guy! He is claiming that I tackled him! Is he in his right mind? I don't think so. I think that he is suffering from brain damage.
Oh crap! Now the referee is agreeing with him. What has the world been reduced to when referees start believing insignificant idiots over me?
This is the worst game of my life! I think i'm going to ditch the game and go touch myself inappropriately because that is the only thing that will cheer me up right now.
I'm off, goodbye.
xoxo Diver Boy

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Barcelona Vs. Real Madrid: El Classico

This was the match of the year. It was watched by millions of people. All statuses yesterday included something about it. Even idiots who know nothing about football icluded it in their posts and tweets.
Personally, i'm not a big fan of either Barcelona or Real Madrid for reasons that I shall not dwell upon at the moment. But I would be a fool not to admit how amazing the game was yesterday. I extremely enjoyed watching it! Sometimes it's easy to let the game turn into a set of strategic tactics instead of just letting it flow naturally, which just ruins the purpose of it. But yesterday's match reminded me and millions of viewers and fans of the beauty of the game. It reminded me of why I started watching football. It made me understand the reason why a lot of people simply choose not to side with one team, stating that they just want to enjoy the game and they don't care which team wins.
It's such a shame that Chelsea wasn't the team that reminded me of all of these things.
That was way too sappy and corny!
Of course the majority of the people are in the category of fans that actually care about the outcome of the game and about the team that won and about the one that lost.
So what was the outcome yesterday?
Well i'm sure that everyone knows by now but just in case someone was in outer space and missed it:
Barcelona killed it! They won 5-0
And they deserved the win, even Real Madrid fans (well the logical ones at least) admitted that Barcelona were brilliant and that they absolutely deserve it.
The game, however, was anything but clean. There was a lot of "violence" and tackling and shoving. Everywhere I looked I could see people falling left and right. It looked more like a battlefield than a football stadium. I'm surprised that Pique didn't spontaneously start bleeding and that nothing bad happened to him.
All in all, there were a total of 13 bookings, and Ronaldo and Ramos kept going around shoving people. Ronaldo even managed to shove Pep Guardiola, and Ramos eventually lost what little of his brains he had left and he got sent off. 
What made the game even better for me is the fact that Cristiano Ronaldo was on the verge of tears, and well you may call me a "cold hearted bitch" but seeing Ronaldo sad makes my heart burst with joy.
Even seeing Iker Casillas looking so depressed didn't make my happiness falter ( it usually makes a difference)
Nothing could've taken away the joy I felt yesterday
Well except for Bio 201 and a certain asshole

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Fernando Torres: A Love Hate Relationship

Hey I decided to share the story of my love hate relationship with Mr. Torres. You see I used to hate him with a passion, almost as much as I hated Ronaldo. I used to think that he was overrated and that everyone exaggerated about how amazing he was. But then I started liking him because seeing him with his family made me change my mind and all my friends thought that he's cute, which he is, those freckles just kill me. All in all he is very adorable and lovable. But every once in while he does things that make me go back to my pre Nando appreciation era. For example, his efforts (on the pitch) during the world cup match George W. Bush's effort to stop the war in Iraq. And then he's pretty much useless in all of his games in the new season of the premier league until he plays against chelsea that is. The guy decides to have an epiphany and gets inspired and ends uo scoring 2 goals which eventually lead to chelsea's loss ( of course i blame chelsea more than i blame Torres but still).
So now I don't like him, but I don't despise him either

Thursday, November 25, 2010


For those of you who live under a rock and don't know this yet Chelsea lost twice consecutively (once in stamford bridge) against sunderland and birmingham city! My brain just can't process this fact! How could they possibly lose? They didn't just lose they were eradicated actually, I mean sunderland wiped the floor with them. I get that John Terry wasn't playing and Frank Lampard is still injured and Essien was out, but can the good performance of a whole team actually depend on 3 players (regardless of how amazing these players are)?
No! The answer is NO! What will they do when these players are no longer with Chelsea? I think the world might come to end at that point, so i'm not even going to go there
So for now I have this to say to the players and manager and all other staff at chelsea:
Stop screwing up! Please it's killing me and i'm sure millions of other fans as well. Stop playing like you don't give a shit about the outcome of the game, because you're making it torturous for us to watch the game and enjoy it. Play with your hearts, you can't go wrong when you do that.
Please stop losing, we're holding on the to lead in the table by a thread, we want to see you crowned champions again this year so put minds to it and step up your game
Sincerely your biggest fan

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I am Cristiano Ronaldo & I am Awesome

Hello, i'm back with yet another bothersome problem. So I go to this photoshoot, and they tell me that I need to share the spotlight with this woman. Can you believe it, me, Cristiano Ronaldo, share the spotlight?! How dare they contaminate my awesomeness by integrating an inferior creature into the picture? Don't these people have brains? I feel so betrayed. And to make things worse, I have this irresistable urge to shag her. I mean she's a woman! Don't they know that I have to bone every woman in my proximity? The people who are in charge of this photoshoot are stupid. Damn it, I hope I don't impregnate this one, I'm running out of places to stuff all these babies.
Well anyways, I'm going to go and tear her clothes off now.
Until next time
xoxo Diver Boy

Top 10 Jackasses and Idiots in football:

10)Sergio Ramos:
Customized headbands with your initials on them, really? Did your mommy stitch them on for you in case you got lost? Word for the wise Ramos: Grow a pair!

9)Landon Donovan:
imagesource He's an American pretending to understand football or should i say "soccer"

8)Craig Bellamy:
imagesource He's a mean little F***er. He freakin punched a fan.

7)Ashley Cole:
imagesource I love him and all, and he's a brilliant footballer, and i rarely(ie: never) have anything bad to say about a chelsea player, but Ashley, Cheryl is awesome and you my friend are an idiot!

6)Andrei Arshavin:
imagesource Don't be fooled by his cute elfin looks. This guy is the devil. Have you heard his views about women? Go back to the middle ages where you belong you nincompoop (& that is an actual word found in the webster dictionary).

5)Carlos Tevez:
imagesource Disgusting pig! Enough said.

4)Peter Crouch:

Who in their right mind would have a fiancee like Abbey Clancey, and cheat on her with a hooker?

3)Franck Ribery:

Underage prostitute! WTF
2)Wayne Rooney:
You just don't cheat on your wife when she's pregnant! Despicable Wayne. Plus he sucked during the world cup, so that's not helping his case

1)Cristiano Ronaldo:

He is a good for nothing, stuck up, cocky bastard, who just happens to be a manwhore

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I am Cristiano Ronaldo & I am Awesome

Hello, my name is Cristiano Ronaldo, but of course you already knew that! I mean who in their right mind wouldn't know who I am? Anyways, I am the world's best footballer, no one can even come remotely close to the level of my skills. But on the contrary to popular belief my life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. I actually have a lot of problems and every week I will be discussing one of these problem right here. My problem for today is that I ran out of hair gel , so as you can see my hair is sticking out in all directions and at odd angles, and to be honest it looks aweful. I can't let people see me in this state, it's an abomination I tell you, a crime against humanity! Why, you ask, did I run out of hair gel? I will tell you why. You see I usually have a whole room in my amazing apartment stocked with hair gel so that i never run out, and of course I hired someone to restock the room but the idiot that i hired was apparantly "sick" and he didn't do his job. Can you believe this guy? He actually believes that his health is more important than my hair gel! Obviously I fired him and that made me feel a little better, but my hair still looks horrible. :(
Well I'm Cristiano and this was my problem of the week.
I will now go and stare at myself in the mirror.
xoxo DiverBoy

5 Reasons why Liverpool are going down the drain this season

1) Jamie Carragher tackles everyone and everything that he sees in front of him (including his wife and random little old ladies walking down the street)
2)Dirk Kuyts ability to repel the ball due to his horrid looks and monster like features
3)Pepe Reina has butterfingers
4)Fernando Torres is too busy with his hair and his freckles to remember how to play football
5)Steven Gerrard is the captain! Isn't that enough?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Football Managers: a waste of oxygen!

Is it me or are some coaches completely incompetent fools? Let's take "SIR" Alex Ferguson for example, all he does is chew his gum and insult the referees, or Arsene Wenger who pretends that everything is fine while in fact things are just going downhill for arsenal, or Roberto Mancini who just talks about the failures of the other teams without bothering with his own failures. These guys are getting paid millions of pounds for that? Heck a 5 year old child can manage a team better than these idiot!
But that's just my opinion

This Just in! I have a blog

Hey i'm Shahine and i love football, that basically summarizes my whole life! No i'm kidding, but football is a major part of my life. Basically i'm a chelsea fan or a true blue, and i follow their games religiously. So this blog is going to be about football, mostly it would be me making fun of footballers or teams that i don't like and updates about what's going on in the world of football and i will definitely complain about the things that annoy me. Anyways this is my first blog and i'm sort of clueless so it's going to take some time until this blog is refined but till then i'm just gonna have fun :)